I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i came on her dog
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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