i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
