I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
