Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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