On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
