my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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