the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
