I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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