I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
