every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
