we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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