That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
