I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
