Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
