if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
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