She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
