i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
