why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
