Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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