Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
