so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
