I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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