At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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