Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
