I cannot find my penis.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
