just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
