Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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