she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Duck Duck Cougar?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
