I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
