i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
