I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
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