I am in a vortex of obligation.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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