No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
