I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
