the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
