I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Im part way to drunk.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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