i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
