College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
