My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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