non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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