Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
