i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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