I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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