Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
