i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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