I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
