My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
