Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
