The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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