she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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