I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Did I show you my penis last night?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Couch. On fire.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
