I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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