The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
